If everything
seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria
-- they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is
merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Many people
quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live
forever -- so far, so good.
Join the Army,
meet interesting people, kill them.
Dancing is a perpendicular
expression of a horizontal desire.
Who is General
Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I couldn't repair
your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics
have to ask you for your name?
If at first you
don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
For every action,
there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening
until you make a mistake.
Success always
occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the
X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of
the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity
of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas
from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really
learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you
fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience
is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I'd kill for a
Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel
through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from
pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people
you know are below average.
99 percent of
lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of
all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.