I am sure it would be either Terry, or Lance, since you talk about the both of them quite often, with Terry always on the hunt for "miss right now", and Lance being the highest praise of every [cmc related] conversation you ever hold anymore, I would have to lay my money on Lance being your temporary mate. ***********************************************************************'

Hi Dick, I need your help with something very important. I really need you to tell me/or remind me why I continue to love Pat. WHY Dick. Sometimes I just don't f'n know. she is planning on actively going out with guys until I am done with school and can return to her next year. I just got off the phone with her a second ago, and Dammit Dick, she even told me although it was " highly unlikely" that I will ever lose her again, she said if I ever would, it would be "to the same guy as before, and that ain't lookin' too good".

Holy Shit. no really, just twist the f'g dagger Pat, now that you have it up to the hilt in my chest. she said to me, it is a long time before you get back here, and you are a long way away, and I am tired of being alone at the ranch, I'm scared sometimes being alone.

Dick, I'm in a world of hurt here once again. What I was just saying to her on the phone was that not the fact of going out with someone. It is the fact of hiding or keeping stuff from me that hurts the most. I have never had anything to hide or keep from you, nor would I ever. Her response to this was: "well, there are some things you don't need to know, and this is one of them". (another twist of the f'n dagger here). What the hell do I have to live towards regarding a life with her? Always knowing her love is never going to be 100% for me. Ever. Do you have any idea how bad that hurts? I mean, jeeez. I love this woman more than anything, and would certainly live my life for her. But why, when things like all of this takes place. What the hell am I to think? She also told me a few times on that conversation a while ago, that "it's nothing you need to be concerned or worried about".

Um, excuse me, but I don't think so. I am sacrificing an extremely critical weekend, right before Finals Week, to go to LA to be at a wedding of her niece's. What the hell am I doing that for??? I don't really know Dick. Because it sure as hell isn't to just be with Pat I guess. Ironically, the last and only time Pat and I were in CA together, she was currently cheating on me then too. What does it take for me to learn that she will never be all mine?

The big problem is: that I don't want anyone else. It is my biggest weakness, which I am always of the belief that it is/has been my biggest strength. My level of devotion and loyalty is without equal. She will never meet someone who loves her like I do. But I am sure that keeping a loving relationship going through the years, should never be this hard of work for one of the two involved.

Another thing about her and I is the fact that she is an insatiable alcoholic. You know I have always, and always will have a problem with this. I know the best thing I could do for me for the long run is to go away and live my own life somewhere completely without her. Completely, no bullshit. No ties, no nothing.

A little add-in before I forget to tack in on here, is when she did my taxes for me, and we were talking about stuff like benefits of my position of being a student/unemployed, and getting all my refund back, she slipped up when she mentioned about filing jointly, and the way she mentioned it was she included "yet" into her mentioning of filing jointly.

I woke up this morning remembering somethings about the last couple of years of her cheating and hiding/keeping stuff from me, and I remembered asking her if she and her old boyfriend were getting married, and she proudly said YES, they are, just no date set yet. So you see Dick, she was going to marry that texas asshole, who doesn't give a flyin shit about her, but she refused to ever consider it with me. I'm not looking to marry her. Since that obviously would never be enough to instill any level of restraint within herself.

Again, why do I love this woman? I am not Mr. Right for her. I'm just Mr. Dependable and always there when she needs me, except when I live 4hrs away, and her hormones get needy. Then I ain't shit. I mine as well be some joe shmo who she's never known.

But then I have to try to look at it from her perspective: yes, damn right it is very lonely out at the ranch alone. It sucks. I know that. And she is 52 years old, and feeling like she needs to live for every moment she gets, and never let any of them slip by. So if a guy who she REALLY likes from work asks her out, she immediately jumps on the opportunity. And she says she is merely just needing to "get through the next year until you get home".

Where is the loyalty in that Dick? Or should there even be any from her perspective? I really don't know. Which is why I am turning to you for input. Obviously, I really needed to unload all of this, and I apologize if it is very overwhelming for you right now if it is. I have no one to turn to Dick. I study. I do schoolwork. It is literally ALL I DO. 100% of my time is for school while I am here. But I take any time I can out to be with her-anywhere, any time, no matter what. Oh God. Dick, I pray often for some input or guidance or something to help me find what is the right path for me. We all only get one chance here. I'm not a "live for the moment" kind of guy. Just don't have that in me. Had I have ever wanted kids, I am sure I would've been an excellent Dad/Husband. But I have never had any interest in kids, although I would dearly love to have a wife. And that is the truth. Someone who I can count on, who is loyal, with similar traits that I have regarding how high of esteem to hold a loving relationship.

Boy, looking back at the last little while here, I sure wish I could sit and write a term paper this easily, with this much fervor.

Can you see where my occasional feeling of inadequacy comes from regarding Pat? She doesn't go out of her way to make me feel like I am all she wants, because I'm not. Yes, she wants me, but she wants more than that too. She proves over and over to me (and herself, although she refuses to recognize it) that I am not enough for her.

It is tempting for me to send the following paragraph to her, but doubting myself gives me good reason not to. And besides, the negative ramifications I think would be enormous. Anyway, here it is: I am sure it would be either Terry, or Lance, since you talk about the both of them quite often, with Terry always on the hunt for "miss right now", and Lance being the highest praise of every [cmc related] conversation you ever hold anymore, I would have to lay my money on Lance being your temporary mate.

She absolutely does NOT want to talk about it. I am not sure why, but that is her stance at the moment(and NOT subject to change - ever, believe me). Like I really needed this shit to deal with right now with a helluva lot of homework due this week, the biggest one tomorrow morning. She says to me: c'mon Chuck, be tough. I don't like living this way Dick. But I don't know how to change it for the better right now. I don't know if it is merely a preference for me to need to put a name to a problem, being in this case Lance, or what, but I am itching to either email her or ask her about it.

But she keeps drilling into me "don't worry about it, it is nothing you need to be concerned about". How the hell can I not be concerned about it? I mean, here I am devoting a serious mission of education for her/our benefit over the long term, and she is up there in the yampa valley struttin around with another man? Shitsakes. This is pathetic. It is f'n ridiculous. How the hell did I ever get here anyway? Oh yeah, she saved my life, and brought me incredible amounts of joy and love over the years.

Goes back to my not wanting to be with any body else but her. Ever. Not even interested in any body else. I don't even think about getting my Johnson wet here at school with another woman. No way. That is cheating on her as far as I am concerned. I mean, it pisses me off to hear about a woman cheating on her husband when he is away fighting a war or something like that. It is just wrong. Okay, yes, she and I aren't married, but we live like we are, and treat each other like we are. Well, at least I do, I am being repeatedly reminded of.

I sure hope all is well with you Dick, and sure hope to hear from you sometime soon. Once again, I apologize if this is just a serious blow to you right now, it sure is to me, as you can see. I don't ever want to stop loving her though, no matter what happens. Damn. I need her in my life, I want her in my life, and I need someone to live for. But I think I am looking for reassurance that it needs to be with Pat Turner.

A realization I had on the way back to Loveland tonight: Why the hell should I be concerned about her "making it through" another winter alone?! She has someone to be with. And it ain't me. She's not going to be alone. I am led to believe whoever her new guy is, that he goes to the ranch also. Mainly because of her saying more than once: "I just don't like coming home alone and being at the ranch alone anymore". Holds her close and kiss her just the way she wants to be kissed. Yeah, itchy condition my foot. New soap, infection? I don't think so. She doesn't have the need by the time she gets to me, she's already satisfied. Sure the way it seems to be going anymore.

I just can't believe she is right back to lying to me again. But I need to recall a conversation she and I had years ago about people like her. She said to me "people don't change, Chuck".

I can't verify any 3rd person ranch presence yet, but the mere fact that she is obviously so ashamed of what she is doing (again) that she refuses to talk about it carries a lot of weight in and of itself. Shitsake, she is once again blatantly cheating on me. But she doesn't see it that way. It is just fine with her, because we aren't a "couple" in her views.

Chuck's at it again it seems. Making more out of a situation than what there really is. Sure wish I didn't love her so damn much. Would be easy to justifiably leave her then, and rightly so.

Which brings me back to the original question here: why on earth do I continue to love this woman? Every time I stand up, she cracks me over the skull with another Pat Turner hammer. But it still ain't gettin through. I still continue to keep coming back for more.

Is it because of the ranch? The critters? The potentially excellent life that could be lived out at the ranch? Maybe so. I don't really know. I think sometimes it is more that I may be afraid of trying to find someone new. Perhaps afraid of failure. Perhaps all that awful medical stuff a few years back impacted me so much regarding Pat that I feel/felt that I can't be without her. Hey, I would love to be like Chris LeDoux, when he says in one of his many songs: "I'd rather spend ten seconds in the saddle, than a lifetime of watchin' from the stands".

well, much to my dismay, I may be the stand watcher, and no longer the bronc rider. I don't think for a second that my day in the sun is behind me, but I ain't gettin' any younger either. I don't want to be alone anymore than any one else doesn't want to be alone. Humans are social animals. fact of nature. sucks to be alone. I know all too well. But it sure is seeming once in a while that Pat ain't that companion for life that I was born to spend my life with.

damn. foolish me for thinking of her first all the time.

I think it will be a long time before I ever forget those words: I just need to get through the next year. "every time I take care of myself for a change, it pisses someone off, (mainly me(Chuck)). I'm just doing stuff for myself for a change.

perhaps she is, but when it so directly affects someone's life, someone who cares about her like no other, well, forget it. what is it all about? what is it all worth? Like I said earlier, we all only get ONE time around for this life, and who am I to try to change how someone else lives theirs? oooooo, that's a good question or topic for further discussion.

Let her do what ever she wants, let her drink herself into oblivion, and date who she wants to, and do what ever she wants. just let it be. let it be, let it be, let it be. Love will find the answer, let it be..... hmmm sounds like a song. ha ha ha

She actually just expects me to not care about her going out with other guys, while I am here at school. Damn I didn't need this nonsense during the last week of a semester. Bad enough without something extra to pile on top of studying damn near 24/7.