You know, with all these assholes out there suing for the slightest indignity, you really do need to have an
   umbrella insurance policy these days. Being in the smartass business, I've got higher premiums than a
   Chicago gas station.

   Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here but how do you know you are getting screwed by your
   insurance company? Well, do you have an insurance company? Then you're getting screwed.

   Insurance is a uniquely modern atrocity. At the dawn of man, there was no insurance. You either lived or
   died. There was no fast-grunting biped called "Homo Deductus" demanding a piece of your meat every
   month to guarantee that your fire wouldn't go out.

   And nowadays, buying insurance is a total pain in the ass. You have to sit there listening to some
   fear-pimp in an ill-fitting Sears King's Road Edition suit and a clip-on tie who's more persistent than Keith
   Richard's morning cough, as he shuffles through papers he keeps in a battered briefcase with a "Shit
   Happens" sticker on it and recites worse-case scenarios in hushed, melodramatic tones like a sadistic
   older brother telling ghost stories just before bedtime. As a matter of fact that's how they always end their
   sales pitch... "and all he had left was a bloody stump... Anyway, I'll just let you folks sleep on this and call
   you tomorrow, 'night now."

   The whole thing makes no sense, and the only thing that makes less sense is the actual policy. My auto
   insurance coverage is so elaborately worded, it makes the warranty on a dialysis machine read like "The
   Velveteen Rabbit".

   As a result, I end up paying hefty auto insurance premiums so that when my parked car gets hit by some
   nearsighted Se–or Magoo who's in this country illegally, has no insurance and is driving with a learner's
   permit because he failed his driving test four times because he's not used to paved roads, and he sues me,
   claiming back injury, soft tissue damage and emotional distress... MY goddamn rates go up, and they
   make him president of the fucking insurance company.

   And health insurance is another muddled mess. When you go to a doctor for a physical, it quickly
   becomes apparent that the level of care and service you're going to receive is in direct correlation to the
   quality of your insurance. Years ago I had a medical policy with less coverage than an Alan Keyes press
   conference, from a questionable insurance company called "Jimmy's What're-You-Callin'-Me-For House
   of Bad Paper". As soon as the receptionist saw that, she told me to sit on the floor, and not touch any of
   the new magazines. The physical itself? Well, the doctor tested my reflexes by unexpectedly punching me
   really hard in the stomach. And then he refused to check my prostate, but said he'd talk me through it if I
   wanted to do it myself.

   If you have a family, you must have some insurance to protect them in case something happens to you.
   For example, if I ever have to tongue kiss Don Knotts on TV, my family gets 3 million dollars. The
   premiums are killing me, but at least I can sleep at night.

   As the breadwinner in my household, I also think it's a good idea to have life insurance. But I have to
   admit there's something about the postmortem payday that feels wrong. We're talking about my death
   here! The end of Me. Call me selfish, but I want to be missed, and something about that Allstate Prize
   Van pulling up the driveway like it's the Comedian's Clearing House Lottery... Well, that's gonna cut the
   edge off the grief.

   To my mind, the worst part of the insurance business is that it's finite. Once everyone in America has
   bought policies covering their life, health and property, if they want to keep making money, they've gotta
   keep coming up with stuff to scare people with.

   So what's next? No doubt insurance against boring parties, or bad dates, or disillusionment about how
   our lives turned out. I know I'd like reimbursement if I go to a concert and some lame 70's band decides
   not to play their one hit song, or if my presidential candidates make me go to sleep faster than a hamster
   swimming in a bucket of thorazine. And of course, given how tight-fisted those assholes in Hartford,
   Connecticut are, if something catastrophic happens and you ever want to see a dime, you'd sure as shit
   better have some insurance insurance.

   Folks, it all comes down to symbolism. You gotta love the symbols that the insurance companies use to
   convey protection: Allstate has the open hands, Traveler's has the umbrella, Nationwide has a blanket.
   Until you try to file a claim, then they all have the same symbol: a big knobby 8-inch dildo. Actually, it's a
   10-inch dildo, but there's a 2-inch deductible.

   Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.