And due to high gas prices, Congress is considering temporarily dropping the federal gasoline excise
   tax. Hmmm...What's wrong with this picture? No doubt the lobbyists who buy the jet fuel to send our
   representatives on junkets to the Caribbean have been bitching about high gas prices.

   You know, to call our government a cesspool of waste is to do a disservice to all the plucky amoeba
   out there that thrive on human excrement.

   Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but I believe in downsizing government. I just don't know if
   it can be accomplished. Why? Because the Government is an immense, living, breathing monolith and
   trying to cut any part of it is like trying to trim a Great Dane's toenails when he's horny.

   Now some of the problems related to a bloated government aren't really evident right now because the
   economy is currently purring like Richard Simmons at an N'Sync concert.

   But even so, these issues must be addressed. I'm tired of the fence-sitting both candidates are doing on
   the issue of government spending. I want a president who's like a Dodge City blacksmith, and on
   January 20th of next year immediately begins shoveling white-hot coals under the dead weight
   lead-asses of Congress, pours off the slag and beats whatever's left into a shiny platter upon which will
   sit the head of any future pork-barrel parasite who tries to get federal funding for a Goiter Museum in
   his home district.

   If you want to put an end to government spending it's very simple. Don't pay or president, Senators
   and Representatives a salary. They say they can cut government spending, fine. Then give them ten
   percent of our tax refunds each year. If we did that, trust me, in three months the entire federal
   bureaucracy would run out of a windowless basement in Georgetown by a 90-year-old guy named
   Frankie with an unlisted rotary dial phone,

   Currently, the government exercises more of a double-standard over how its bounty is distributed than
   Darva Conger deciding who gets to see her vagina. And that hypocrisy always seems to have a
   disproportionately adverse affect on children and the poor.

   So I advocate a plastic surgery approach to the problem. Lipo the fat out from where there's ugly
   excess, and pump it back in where it's needed for a more pleasing effect. For example, I get
   cross-eyed with rage when i hear that there are 35 students in a third-grade inner-city public-school
   class all sharing one textbook. while at the same time the AV squad jerk offs at NASA have lost
   contact with yet another billion-dollar piece of shit radio Shack transmitter that was supposed to land
   on the surface of Mars and broadcast back pictures that i could take in Barstow in July. Hey, NASA.
   The space race is over. We won. We know all about space. It's full of black holes that relentlessly
   suck in matter around them. Kind of like what you do with OUR FUCKING MONEY. There might
   be water on Mars? Yeah? Well, call me when you find oil on Mars. OK, Spock?

   So where do we cut? Defense? I doubt it. The Defense Department is more likely to give up nuclear
   launch codes than part with a penny of their budget. The Pentagon building might have five sides but
   you can bet they paid for ten.

   And I'm not even convinced we need a Defense Department. Have you been to a gun show in this
   country lately? Somebody wants to attack the U.S. of A, all I can say is, best of luck to ya buddy. This
   country's packing more heat than Travis Bickle at a pimp convention.

   Hey, our government has branched out to keep pace with changing times, and that's all fine and good,
   but I think we need to start pruning back the Federal Trees of Life. For example, what does the
   Department of the INterior do? They manage parkland. Yeah? So does my gardener. They're gone.
   Department of Energy? Gas Prices are two bucks right now, they can be two bucks without these
   nozzle heads. Gone. National Endowment for the Arts? Great artist's don't need the government's
   money. Just ask Van Gogh. OK bad example. Anyway, the NEA? Gone. Health Department? I'm
   healthy. Goodbye. And the president, Congress and the entire Judicial System? Let's have them punch
   in and punch out and we'll pay them by the hour. And if they bitch about it, take the microwave and the
   toaster oven out of the break room.

   Look, folks, anyone who's called in a change of address to the post office knows that our government
   has about as much chance of ever becoming a lean, effective machine as John Rocker has of getting a
   street named after him in Harlem. You know what I say? Don't just downsize government, get rid of it.
   You want to see an economically-sound, well-run country, privatize the whole shooting match. There's
   the Staples Center and the Qualcomm Stadium. Why not Coca-Cola White House or the Home
   Depot Supreme Court? I mean, it's not like we don't have the Smith and Wesson House of
   Representatives and the Phillip Morris Senate already.

   Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.