>> >>> Dads' rules for boyfriends:
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule One:
>> >>> If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
>> >>> delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything
up
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule Two:
>> >>> You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at
>> >>> her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you
>> >>> cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will
>> >>> remove them.
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule Three:
>> >>> I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
>> >>> age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be
falling
>> >>> off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you
and all
>> >>> of
>> >>> your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open
>> >>> minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may
>> >>> come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants
ten
>> >>> sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
>> >>> that your clothes do not, infact, come off during the course
of
>> >>> you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun
and
>> >>> fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule Four:
>> >>> I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
>> >>> utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let
>> >>> me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and
>> >>> I will kill you.
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule Five:
>> >>> It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know
>> >>> each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other
>> >>> issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
>> >>> information I require from you is an indication of when you
>> >>> expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
>> >>> only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule Six:
>> >>> I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
>> >>> opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
>> >>> as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
>> >>> out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but
her
>> >>> until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will
make
>> >>> you cry.
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule Seven:
>> >>> As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
>> >>> appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
>> >>> If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
>> >>> dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
>> >>> can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead
>> >>> of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
>> >>> changing the oil in my car?
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule Eight:
>> >>> The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
>> >>> daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
>> >>> than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places
>> >>> where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places
where
>> >>> the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter
to
>> >>> wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than
>> >>> overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her
>> >>> throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
be
>> >>> avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games
>> >>> are okay. Old folks homes are better.
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule Nine:
>> >>> Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
>> >>> middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
>> >>> daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If
>> >>> I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance
>> >>> to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I
>> >>> have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do
not
>> >>> trifle with me.
>> >>>
>> >>> Rule Ten:
>> >>> Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
>> >>> mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming
>> >>> in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts
>> >>> acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean
the guns
>> >>> as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you
pull
into
>> >>>
>> >>> the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain
sight.
>> >>> Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that
you have
>> >>> brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car -
>> >>> there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face
at the
>> >>> window is mine.