December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of
the season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It
looked like a
Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love
snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there
be a more lovely place in the Whole World?  Moving here was
the best
idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed
in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll
definitely have
a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice
man I'm glad
he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway And sidewalks.
This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again.
l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish l
wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a
4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the
ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to
go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it
to her. God I
hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to
death in my
own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of
the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn
snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they
said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.

December 21: Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a
snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March.  I
think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city
will have it
done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because
13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up
to go out to
shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed, and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.   Tried to hire
Bob who has a
plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says
he's too busy.
I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?  She
says she did
but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
son of a bitch
who drives that snowplow, I'll drag
him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around
the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
street at a
100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
busy watching
for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the f***ing
slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil.  God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for
a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I
have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's
a Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
here?  It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 2: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes
froze.7

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE
B***CH is
driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the
roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How
dumb does he
think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing
me for a
million dollars. The wife went home to her mother.  Nine
more inches of
snow predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?