Number 5

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as

he does, his   elbow goes into her breast. They are both

quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if

  your heart is as soft as your   breast,  I know you'll forgive

  me." She replies, "If your Dick is as hard as your elbow,

  I'm in room 221."

  Number 4

  A businessman boards a flight and is seated next

  to a  gorgeous  woman. He notices she is reading a

  manual about sexual  statistics.  He asks her about it and she

  replies,

  "This is a very interesting book. It says that American

  Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the

  biggest diameter penises.

  By the way, my  name is Jill. What's yours?"

  "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."

  Number 3

  One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the

  husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife

  turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a

  gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to

  stay fresh."

  The husband, rejected, turns over.  A few

  minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife

  again.   "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow

  too?"

  Number 2

  Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been

  employed there for a number of years when he came

  home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

  terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his

  penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that

  he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but

  Bill said he would  be too embarrassed. He vowed

  to overcome the compulsion on his own.

  One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His

  wife could see at once that something was

  seriously wrong.  "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

  "Do you remember that I told you how I had this

  tremendous urge  to put my penis into the pickle

  slicer?"

  "Oh, Bill, you didn't."

  "Yes, I did."

  "My God, Bill, what happened?"

  "I got fired."

  "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle

  slicer?"    Oh...she got fired too."

  Number 1

One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk
 couldn't
  help notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old
  grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and
 trembling,
  even more than his grandmother does.

  "Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell
  v-ibrators here?"
  "Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed.

  "B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" asked the old
lady.
  "Yes ma'am, we have some like that."

  "The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"
  "Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want," said the
young
  clerk.

  "The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell
b-b-b-b-batteries?"
  "Yes ma'am we carry some like that."

  "Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?"

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first
   class on a plane.  The woman sneezes, then takes a
   tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.  The man isn't
   sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
   hallucinating.

   A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again.  She takes
   a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is
   about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what
   he's seeing.

   A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.
   She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet
   again.

   The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the
   woman and says, "Three  times you've sneezed, and three times
you've
   taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs!  What kind of
signals
   are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me  crazy?"

   The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I
   have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an
   orgasm."

   The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are
   you taking for it?"

   The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for
    a bust.  At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his
    potential quarry.

    The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He
    stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for
his
    car.  After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found

    his own vehicle.

    He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.

    He turned his light on, then off, wipers on, then off.  He
started
    to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he
was
    the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive
    away.

    The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled

    the man over.  He administered the breathalyzer
    test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

    The patrolman was dumbfounded.  "This equipment must be broken!"

    exclaimed the patrolman.

    "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I am the designated
decoy!!!"